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"Gott weiss ich will kein Engel sein "
 
God knows I Don't want to be an Angel

6:14 P.M. on 11/1/04
 
Emotions=>> just, you know, there. . .
Hmm, well, I know I haven't been updating my website every day but between the cutting, the fighting, and school I'm jsut way way way too busy to hardly get any time on the computer anymore. Oh well, Druid & I aren't together anymore. *sighs* I jsut feel like dying in a corner with a knife in my liver. I just...gave up on being so lonely and putting up with demoness & elfie. I'm just a....I don't know and I don't care. I knew I was going to regret breaking my collar with him. Sheesh, I'm an ass. *scowls at Herself*
10:00 A.M. on 10/8/04
 
Emotions=>> tired...
Holy Wow!! I haven't been doing anything to this website...wow... *giggles*
 
Oh oh oh ohhh!! I finally got to see my sniggy the other day...got to see some new piccys of Him as well...Godd I miss talking to Him on duh' phone. *pouts*
 
*shuts up cause she doesn't really have anything else to type about or whatever....*
7:20 P.M. on 8/27/04
 
Emotions=>> worn out, insensitive, & battered
*sighs* My brother, sister, & I were all in the computer room around 4:00 in th morning, maybe around 4:30....and I was playing a game that I am borrowing from 'The 'A' Man' called Dynasty Warriors III, and my brother got sick and tired of me playing it since he doesn't like Japanese games like that one, so he went on a "power trip" and just took the game out of the PS2 and the little memo thing in the left side pocket thing in the container....sooo then I got poed and went after him to get it and it all just went into a huge uproar. *shrugs* So of course, since I was pissed off, I went back in my room crying and listening to "No Time for Tears", "How You Gonna See Me Now", "I Never Cry", * "You And Me" by The Coop. You know how most people listen to a song that should cheer them up in some why when they are down? Well, I do the exact opp.; I listen to songs that make me feel ever worse....'specially in the "I hate my whole self, why don't I just take an over-dose and end it all?" area. And I did try taking an over-dose last night and I am sick feeling and blergh feeling. *blinks* Oh, Moontan's gonnak ill me when he finds out..... *pouts* I also did get out a razor blade out of a razor...
I'm not going to be put on pills for deprssion just yet because my mother says she's going to watch out for me and that I need to open up to her more. I promised her that I would come and tell her whenver I felt like doing it, but she was busy sleeping and--well, I just don't like talking to her on why I felt like doing it. Personally I think she should just put me on the pills and get it over with. But then again, I don't want to be 'happy' and shit all the time.
You see, my sister's on them and I don't wanna act like she's does. She always seems happy....that doesn't fit me; being happy all the time? No fucking way in hell would I wanna be like that al the time. Being mad all the time just seems to fit me better.
God my head is killing me from all those pills. 'Feels like everything's just melting all together in one blanket of some sort....
1:45 A.M. on 8/26/04
 
Emotions=>> itchy, violated, & blissful
Well..... o_O;; ..... I dunno.... ^ ^;;
Erm, you know what? I'm curently on the phone with a very good friend named...well, His nick name is Moontan (@_@;;), and he just brought up a good question up, "Do you think Alice Cooper ever questioned being gay?" Hm, I think almost everyone in the world questions if they are gay/lesbian, bi, or straight...I dunno....I have and decided that I am bisexual. ^ ^; I mean, most of my friends don't have a problem about it, or atleast I don't think they do have a problem with it. Ah, well, oh well.
 
Moontan - I thank you for putting up with all of the bullshit I've ever done & said. Not most people have the patience to get to know me since I'm so self-centered and tell them to go fuck themselves even before I know them properly. And you know how I am....aye? ...
Hm, well, I hope you and Squidy can get together sometime soon 'cause I think you two'd make an adorable couple...plus I'd like to see you with a girl that I actually like *ahems*  and know pretty damn well, and I also wanna see you happy. ^ ^;
Off of the Squidy subject...
I know all of the times I've ever called you crying, interupting you and your friend time...And I dunno how many fucking times I feel bad about calling you that late, making you listen to me blubber about Druid/Tom and my online life. Like I said in our 7 hour phone conversation yesterday night, I don't think I'd be the same person I am here today...Just like with Andrew and Squids, "Thank You All So Much For Making Me Feel Like I am Actually Deserved In This Unholy Hellhold Of A Planet." And I truely mean it, Nate. I love you like a brother and I know that sounds gay & corny, and if you don't like the way that sounds, well, fuck you! I RULE YOU! SUCK IT DRY!! Hehehe... ^ ^
4:20 P.M. on 8/11/04
 
Emotions=>> just there. . .
Well, there isn't much to say other then I haven't been able to get on as much as I would like to. My next school term is starting on the first; I still have to go clothes shopping. *gags*
I finally got my surgery on my teeth. ^ ^; I actually do feel like it was a good choice to make by getting them done. Not much to say on it either.
I found a kick-ass FREE and LEGAL mp3 site; http://www.mp3shits.com. I got a few very good songs...Marilyn Manson mostly. ^ ^;; And that reminds me!! I'm probably going to add a Marilyn Manson part to the website. I'm surprised I started liking Him.
Oh, yeah, and I have another band that I'm starting to really enjoy; SlipKnot. My friend Larissa actually got me into a 'heavy-metal' band. And you all know how I am with my bands. *giggles and then shrugs some* I limit them if you don't know me THAT well. XD
12:04 A.M. on 7/10/04
 
Emotions=>> pondering hard & just here ^ ^;;
I haven't been able to get on lately 'cause of some "troubles" in my real life. A lot of bullshit has been going on between my mother and me that I wish would just end. I wanna pull myself to be a 'civilized' and normal daughter but I don't think that'll change the way she treats me. I've been trying to sit down and sort some things out with Her but I think she's forgotten how it feels to be my age. . .whatever thought.
I'm pondering on adding a link page and a sketch/fan-art page of some drawings of mine that I've done. Maybe a links page too. Just a few thoughts. I actually think I'm going to put some pictures of The Coop or The Darkness up, maybe a page full of some funny pictures. -^ ^-;;;
9:57 A.M on 6/22/04
OTHER--Just To Look On And Laugh At....*sigh*
<LordArchangel> ~~... and i appologize to th room and to th changelings for lettin M drinkin make M mouth run away ...~~
* ]_ady-Vvraith crosses Her arms overtop of Her chest and then looks over at LordArchangel, "You need to tell my Lord that you're sorry..."
<LordArchangel> ~~... extend M appology to him please faye ...~~
* ]_ady-Vvraith no
* ]_ady-Vvraith I'm not going to do it for you
* ]_ady-Vvraith you've pissed me off because He's threatening to
leave...again
<LordArchangel> ~~... M and him talking leads to no good times, or h can meet M on msn sometime and i will appologize ...~~
* ]_ady-Vvraith add Him
* ]_ady-Vvraith and you better damn well say you're sorry
* ]_ady-Vvraith cause you've completely pissed me off and when you do that, you know you've gone too far
<LordArchangel> ~~... and had better cool r temper Miss, we are workin ht out not here to have go off on M ok? ...~~
* Rebe||ion k ]_ady-Vvraith enough
* Rebe||ion now
* ]_ady-Vvraith tilts Her head back some and shuts up
* Rebe||ion as i will also tell druid ]_ady-Vvraith use the ignore button
* ]_ady-Vvraith nods
<LordArchangel> ~~... now if u all will excuse me... ...~~
<LordArchangel> ~~... i have to be up for work in a few hours ...~~
<LordArchangel> ~~... and someone tell druid i tried to add him to msn as faye suggested but h dont have net passport so cant... if h wants M appology h can find M in M clan room ...~~
* ]_ady-Vvraith leans forword and slams Her hands palm-down down ontop of the coffee table infront of Her, "Whatever...Jesus Christ"
* ]_ady-Vvraith hunches over the coffee table that's infront of Her and rests Her forhead in the palms of Her hands, taking another deep breath, "I just hope I haven't caused anymore shit..."
* Rebe||ion you haven't
* `beauty` fye ugg your fine honey
* ]_ady-Vvraith shrugs Her shoulders some and closes Her eyes for a bit and then opens them a little bit just to gaze down at the wood beneath Her, "I feel like I have"
* ]_ady-Vvraith I should have just stayed out of it
* ]_ady-Vvraith leans back and laughs, "But oh well...I always have gotten myself into matters liek this...no biggie"
 
12:13 A.M. on 6/22/04
 
Emotions=>> ashamed & unwilling
I hate breaking promises to friends, but this morning I got...well...into a 'slump' yet again and got out my razor. Not like anyone really cares that I am a cutter or whatever. I promised many people that I wouldn't ever cut my left wrist again but I just broke down and did it anyway; without thinking. It's hard not really having anyone in my 'real life' to talk to. I have friends that tell me that I can tell them anything that's upsets me, but I'm always afraid to. I have no clue why I'm always like this. I know there're times when I actually do open up but I think it's many because the person kept on annoying me till they got it out of me.
In ACN lately without Druid being there, I always feel deprived of what I have to say. *sighs* I just don't belong there and I know that it's true. I've lost friends that I've wanted for quite some time now and everyone could completely care less. But whatever; they're prolly too good for me anyhow...
Oh yeah, this morning, well, actually yesterday morning, I saw Tom Petty on VH1 Classics ....hehe ^ ^... It totally made my day...
6:42 A.M. on 6/19/04
 
Emotions=>> cheerful & bouncy
 
There's nothing better then to get the sweet satisfaction of truely pissing someone. I mean it! I feel so fucking proud of myself for actually really pissing Elfie off. Usually it's the other way around. Hehe. For once I'm not the one who got pissed off! Woohoo!! She and demoness have pushed their luck so many times I just wanted to...grr!!...I won't say; tis too wrong to say over the internet. I had a very, very, very interesting convo. with Shannon/cappy about what/how we could kill some...'people'. *weg* Erm, yeah.
Well, I looked up some TV schedules on http://www.vh1.com earlier this morning (C_c;;) and found out some times when The Coop, Brent, and Mr. Petty'll be on TV and I found a lot of information on when they're planned to be aired on it. So, that slightly made my day...like on 100 Most Metal Moments; Alice is number 96 and Brent is number 98. ^ -^ So adorable! Hehehehe, I think Alice should have been number like, 45 or something, because the things that are closer to number 20 and stuff are kinda lame and aren't are shocking and so on...but that's just my opinion. Doesn't matter now, does it? Heh.
God, I Love The 80's......
10:35 A.M. on 6/18/04
 
Emotions=>> cornered & groggy
One of the worse things that I put up with is seeing dear friends in pain and I cannot help them. I try to sort out problems people may have, but I can't fix everything. If I could, would I really want to fix every single problem? Aren't human-beings supposed to have problems and fuck-ups? No, I don't think I'd want to make every problem better. Then what'd be the point to humans having problems in the first place if they'll all be sorted out?
Anywhooo!! Other then having in real life problems that I try to cover up and hide, I am just well. Druid's getting back on Saturday and I really wish to see Him; talk to Him and maybe some....*weg*....other things along the lines of, so-called, "talking". Hehe...
Well, as you probably have noticed that I haven't updated the website since Monday, I think. Feels like weeks since I've actually had the time and been on to update it. Well, sometimes I am online but don't feel like having to go through that whole process of publishing it up and so on and so forth.
I'm actually thinking about what I am going to do over the summer....for once. I never actually plan anything over it; whatever happens, happens, and whatever comes, comes. Nothing more, nothing less. I take every day like a giant step. ^ ^;
It's weird being online at this hour after only 5 hours of sleep; I'm surprised I woke up with my alarm clock screaming at me. I usually just reach over and slam it off during the summer, but I'm just shocked that it woke me up. For once I didn't turn it off!! Yay!!
...MSN....no one's been on it lately and it's starting to get boring....just like acn and my whole script. I wonder why I even continue going on it. My whole chat life affacts me more then my real life itself; just asked any one of in real life friends that I tell them about it all....but it makes Druid happy, so I'm happy about that...    ^ ^;
11:42 P.M. on 6/14/04
 
Emotions=>> pissed off & shaky
There's nothing worse in this world then not seeing your loved-one for a week. Knowing he's having fun and what-and-what-not is a splended thought in my mind, but not seeing him is hell for me. I don't know; I'm just "self-centered", well, that's what demoness said/says anyway. Which is probably true; I do think I am and I can't change the way I've grown up. Actually, I've always grown up thinking about others before me, but now I think I've had a "mood"change over the past few years. I'll live without seeing my Druid for a week; I've lasted this long without seeing Him and even a little bit longer then a week. -^ ^- I'm tough, I can make it through a week without him there....
7:18 P.M. on 6/14/04
 
Emotions=>> in a daze of laughter & happiness
There're only a few people that I actually enjoy talking to on the phone with these days and for some odd reason, I can't stand not talking to them on the phone daily (cough, Andrew, cough). If I didn't have a phone, oh my god, I think I'd die. @_@;; Anywho, Andrew just made my day with a new saying thing that is now on my quote page. Hehe.
I'm going to go to the oral surgeon on Thursday for my mouth; I'm going to have to wake up at about 7:00 A.M. or something along those lines and drives down to Maryland just so I can have some prick look at my bone structure and tell me that I need "so-and-so" done on my teeth. But whatever; my braces were $4,000.00 just for getting some damned cement type product put on them and some wire "glued" onto them. I don't even think it's worth it; or is it? Isn't a good smile worth having? It seems to me that money can fix anything these days...
4:25 P.M. on 6/14/04
 
Emotions=>> bored & free of emotional stress (for the moment)
I've been wanting to work on the website daily but I can't go on everyday to update it, so the "Daily Thoughts" page won't be updated every day; only time to time it will. There'll probably be more then one paragraph daily, but I'll keep on working on the rest of the site. I'm working on getting more pictures to upload onto the picture pages and maybe even get a lyric page for Faster Pussycat up and roaring to go.
Anywho, I had a lot to record yesterday but I didn't have the chance to get online; now I forget what I was going to drop into this page...
I'm not sure what else I have to say other then say that I have nothing at the moment to talk about....Hehe....
 
7:13 P.M. on 6/12/04
 
Emotions=>> lonely, wanting, & glad
 
Since when has writing been more important then the person you say/so called 'love'? I mean, I know how important writing is to some people, but when it comes time to spend with your loved one. which is the upper hand of the deal? I'd pick spending the time with the loved on over writing; but that's just my damned opinion. My opinions aren't the best out there but I'm just speaking my mind, nothing more then mere broken chains of thoughts that'll these their scar(s) on many different objects and people.
Hopefully I'll be able to pass out on a normal time tonight and not just lay there, listening to The Coop, staring at the ceiling blankly...sleep doesn't come that well over the summer time; which is weird because I somehow sleep better during the school year. I actually am starting to decline the thoughts of me thinking more over the term(s) and I have more emotional problems over the summer time also.
...did that make...any sense...??...
 
12:08 P.M. on 6/12/04
 
Emotions=>> tired & disapproving herself
 
I regret staying up the whole night; my friend just called me, woke me up cause the phone was right next to my ear, and started bitching that I stood her up. What in the hell was I thinking? Grr, stupid Dizzy. God damn. . .whatever. I just can't keep my thoughts straight this. . .afternoon. So unlike me. Heh. Anyway, I should get some sleep but I tried earlier and I just felt like I was numb and drifting away. Ash'll have to put up making plans with me for the rest of the summer; hehe, I pull all-nighters, what more can I say? Well, my script is finally messing up; disconnecting me when I shouldn't be; but beggers can't be choosers. DzA is better then JinXy and I don't even wanna to get JinXy's newer one-what's it called?-Skyline, I think.
 
3:21 A.M. on 6/12/04
 
Emotions=>> playful & questioning
 
For some odd reason, in every single relationship that is in some type of form, I always end up fighting with Him/Her. . .I just never understand the way my mind works. I don't give people enough credit; even when they try their hardest to please me and comfort me in anyway. I always doubt if I should even be worth such time for such heart-aches and yelling. Lots of planning has been going on in my real life; with Musikfest coming up in early August, I need to make sure I live every day perfectly; or alteast try to, anyway. The past few weeks have been hectic in my chat life; between me bugging cappy/Shannon and me fooling around (just being silly...nothing more) with Lord_Lorqual/Chris on msn, I appreciate how much they care for me and all. ^ ^;; But uhm, yeah. ((was told to talk about Chris/Lord_Lorqual and how "magneficence" and how He cannot spell))  Chris -- well? I don't have that much to say at this time in the morning ((my time that is)) other then thank you for putting up with my bullshit through the past months of knowing me and listening to me and my bitching. oo;;
5:50.M. on 6/11/04
 
Emotions=>> disturbed & proud
 
M'kay. Yeah...I don't have much to say other then I am slightly uhm-how should I say?-wired and ready for a all nighter and a day full of partying all evening tomorrow night.  Should be a breeze--I just hope I don't forget to log out of msn and then all of this other shit starts happening while I'm away.  My brothers away for the rest of the summer so I guess that's a good thing and I'm thankful for my online friends for putting up with my personal problems with Druid/Tom...
p|ayfu|wo|f and the rest of the gang in #BloodRealm. -^ ^-

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